Bitter Sweet

I think that I have put off blogging for a while--not because I have been too busy--but because I knew I wanted to write a bit about a dear friend that passed away. And seeing as lately just the thought of her and her little family without her this Christmas bring me to tears, not writing seemed the easiest to deal with. However, I want to journalize a few thoughts and feeling so here goes, tears or not.
Cindy Curtis was a close friend who passed away at a mere 37 years old on Dec. 16. The short of the story is that she had been basically on bedrest for 9 or so weeks awaiting a back surgery she desperately needed even though her insurance didn't agree. Finally, the surgery was performed and she stopped at her family's home in Benson to spend the night and never woke up despite the efforts of her family and the medical professionals in Tucson. She left behind a sweet husband and 4 loving kids. (That really is the short version as I'm not sure what exactly what is appropriate to write....)
I have known Cindy forever it seems...at least since Jason and I got married. She was so crazy and fun. I loved her spunky personality. Visiting teaching brought us together as friends and for that I'm grateful.
I think some people are close to the veil and I think Cindy was that kind of person. I remember her telling the story of her conversion and how she saw a vision of a temple and knew that it was the answer to her prayers. I also remember her talking about fasting and how it really worked--as she fasted and was able to receive permission to join the church. At Christmas, her lessons always included frankincense, myrrh, and gold--a cool novelty that helped the children understand the simplicity of Jesus's time. I loved to hear her tell the stories of the Bible and the Book of Mormon--she had an amazing memory and that in combination with her animated personality made a fantastic sharing time. Near the end, several times I hear Cindy talk of herself being gone. At the time, I brushed it off and I told her not to be silly--everything was going to be fine. But did she know things I didn't? I think she may have...

Before her funeral, some of the sisters decided to make a memory book for her kids and asked for letters to them. I'll include mine in this humble tribute to her memory.

December 2008
Dear Mikaila, JD, Alayna, and Chandler,
I think this is probably one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written. How can I say or write the many feelings and thoughts that are in my heart right now….How can I tell you how very special your Mom has been in my life….How can I tell you just how awesome she was? …I don’t think I have to--You already know because she was YOUR MOM! But I do want to share with you some of my favorite memories of your mom.
Cindy and I became friends through visiting teaching. She was my visiting teacher for several years. She came faithfully every month with Melanie. I don’t remember a lot of serious lessons—I remember lots of laughter, jokes, and stories about you kids and your family. She was always quick on her feet—funny and kept me smiling with her antics and spunky attitude. I remember when I had my daughter Reagan and she came by with dinner—steak and potatoes--“’cuz I don’t make those weird Mormon casseroles” she said. We laughed. I loved that she wasn’t afraid of anything, anyone, or of what any one thought for that matter. She was never afraid of being herself. Several months ago, we were called to be visiting teaching partners. I was grateful for our already strong friendship and always looked forward to “our” visits—after we saw our sisters, we often ended up sitting in the car just talking about everything from life to movies.
I also served in Primary with your Mom. She was an amazing “scripture teller” and could captivate any audience with her renditions of how things happened in the Bible and the Book of Mormon. She really knew her stuff! Your mom’s love for the gospel was contagious. I have always cherished how she talked of her conversion and her devotion to the gospel. She always seemed so close to the Spirit. She was and will always remain a great spiritual example to me.
Your mom was a great friend. She laughed and cried with me. I know she was genuine in heart and spirit. I am going to miss her and can’t wait to see her again one day in the celestial kingdom. Please know that you ALL were her life and her love. Her spirit can and will live on in each of your hearts. You are all in my prayers….
Love always,
Amanda Larson

Cindy's passing is bitter sweet. I am glad she is no longer in pain and that her suffering has ended. But still my heartbreaks for her family. My tears are bitter sweet too--I am so saddened to have lost her as a friend, but I am more glad and grateful to have the knowledge of the gospel and know that I will see her again someday just as her family will. What a blessing this truly is!

(I deal with death and dying on a regular basis in my job. I can hold back tears like none other... but not this time. I think it is because this is so personal to me. As we drove away from her graveside service, Jason said, "I don't think I even cried this much at my own Grandfather's funeral." I had to agree. It is so REAL. I can still hear her voice in my head. She was young and had kids--it just helps me put life in perspective. Again, this turns my thoughts to the gospel and I am so grateful to have it in my life to guide me...)